A Shout Out To A Newer Blogger

This won't be one of my "normal" posts, but a very dear friend of mine has started blogging, and I couldn't be more proud of her for it! 

Meet Hannah. 

Hannah and I met in 2010 online on a military spouse support site when her husband was serving in the Marine Corps, Hannah and I immediately clicked and became friends when in March of 2010 we both found out we were EXPECTING our first child, Fast forward to June of 2010, we both scheduled our "sex ultrasounds" and could hardly contain ourselves with finding out what one another was having, but when I had received a text message that their Precious little girl had passed away, I was devastated  I've never lost a child, but it terrified me to pieces. But I know Phoebe (their precious baby girl) was present when I gave birth to Christopher in November of 2010 it was such a horrible labor, but I know she was there protecting him! And that gave me comfort <3

(our due dates were just a week apart from each other) 

In May of 2012, they gave birth to a GORGEOUS baby boy named Randy Lee "RJ" for short. He was loved by everyone, I had never even met him and I loved him! But just 9 short days later, their little boy had passed away, this hit thousands of people all across the country, and the world! No one expected this. 

Hannah is one of the most incredible and strongest people I have EVER met and I am so blessed to call her one of my "best friends" 

We have yet to meet in person, but one day we will and it will be the greatest day :) 

http://survivingrj.blogspot.com/2013/08/loved-story-of-rj.html

Here is a link to her blog, please make sure to check it out! 

"Craving him"

So just here lately I've just been craving his touch. Not 'sexual' just, a hug, holding his hand and I would DIE for a kiss from him!! Heck, I just want to be in the same room as him!!!! I just want to feel his energy, mad, sad, happy, I don't care, Oh what I wouldn't give to have this over already. Just to know that he is here would make me happy. And he does his best, and I'm SUPER PROUD OF HIM, he calls me when he can, and emails me every night that he can, and we video chat when he's in port..but it's just not the same. His scent is gone from literally everything in our bedroom. I have put away all of his stuff. And up until this point RIGHT HERE, I have been doing super good.

I have a Donut of Misery. I have small goals I set for myself, 'Ok we won't look at it until it says x days to go'. And they are small usually about 2-4 days apart, something I know I can handle. And sometimes I get so busy I go over and forget. That has helped me pass the time. So far my PERSONAL countdown is further along than I thought I would be at this point. Christopher's countdown, not going as easy as I thought it would. He keeps asking me if Daddy is home. Or he will ask WHEN Daddy is coming home. And of course how do you respond to those questions? How do I put them into 2 year old terms so that he can understand? I can't just say, 'Oh hunny, Don't worry Daddy will be home on xx day'. Like he really understands time anyway. And we all know that ETA date will change 4-5 times on a GOOD day! 

In ways I'm glad we are going through this deployment. I know it will make us stronger in our marriage, just like the last one. It will make us stronger as individuals, and most importantly, we will get to save money. I'll just focus on that for now. We have been handed an opportunity. Find a way to see a positive in it.  He is going out and seeing the world! He is appreciating everything the Navy has to offer him. For me, SAVING MONEY. There is so much to appreciate in this, you just have to open your eyes.

The Writing Plateau!

In 4 years of sea duty, I've never had one. Well, of course I've had them on my blog. But never in my emails to Robert. He has always been my 'go to' person. Now.. I just have nothing to say. Besides the ‘I miss you, I love you, we’re doing good here’

Or I have LOTS to say, but it's things that I'm not supposed to say because it would 'lower moral' and deemed inappropriate. Sometimes I just need confide in him. Like right now, I would love to tell him how I work night shifts, day shifts, I work thru my lunch, dinner and ANY breaks I get, and how the drama has begun. Because that's Navy Wife life when your Sailor is gone. Drama. Drama. and MORE DRAMA! But instead, I send 1 lines that usually say encouraging words and that we miss and love him.

The truth is, I'm burned out.

I said it. I finally said it. I admit it finally!!!

See, all of this I NEED to tell my husband. I NEED to talk to him as if he were here. But I can't. I can't tell him anything that would make him worry. "Mission First Right?" 

See, ^^ no writing plateau here! I just don't know what to say to him. I can't lie to him. I never could. So I say what I can say and end it. Sometimes I think I'm angry as well. Like I said, I'm basically working 24/7, NO BREAKS!!!! Last deployment was a CAKE WALK compared to this one! I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to SHUT UP. And I'm sure as time goes on, I will continue to say this lol. This year I have TWO KIDS, 16 months apart at that..and Owen is... well... lol if you are on my FB you know. He is my needy baby lol. So a break would be nice. Robert has missed SO MUCH of the boys lives. And I'm angry, I want him right beside me through it all. I NEED him there! And he just can't be...and I know that, but it doesn't mean I like it AT ALL!!! lol

I have a coffee cup that I bought when I was a 'new wife', it says, 'Navy Wife is the Hardest Job in the Navy'. I don't agree with that anymore. The SAILOR'S is. They leave their families for months at a time. They come home to completely different kids. Sometimes their kids don't even recognize them. The thought of Owen not recognizing his Daddy scares me, and saddens me. He's young. We do the daddy doll, we do the record-able-books, we do the build a bears. But it still sucks!!!

But when I have days/weeks like this, I look at my coffee cup and think, y'know, he may have the hardest, but mine has GOT to be the second hardest. ;)