In 4 years of sea duty, I've never had one. Well, of course I've had them on my blog. But never in my emails to Robert. He has always been my 'go to' person. Now.. I just have nothing to say. Besides the ‘I miss you, I love you, we’re doing good here’
Or I have LOTS to say, but it's things that I'm not supposed to say because it would 'lower moral' and deemed inappropriate. Sometimes I just need confide in him. Like right now, I would love to tell him how I work night shifts, day shifts, I work thru my lunch, dinner and ANY breaks I get, and how the drama has begun. Because that's Navy Wife life when your Sailor is gone. Drama. Drama. and MORE DRAMA! But instead, I send 1 lines that usually say encouraging words and that we miss and love him.
The truth is, I'm burned out.
I said it. I finally said it. I admit it finally!!!
See, all of this I NEED to tell my husband. I NEED to talk to him as if he were here. But I can't. I can't tell him anything that would make him worry. "Mission First Right?"
See, ^^ no writing plateau here! I just don't know what to say to him. I can't lie to him. I never could. So I say what I can say and end it. Sometimes I think I'm angry as well. Like I said, I'm basically working 24/7, NO BREAKS!!!! Last deployment was a CAKE WALK compared to this one! I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to SHUT UP. And I'm sure as time goes on, I will continue to say this lol. This year I have TWO KIDS, 16 months apart at that..and Owen is... well... lol if you are on my FB you know. He is my needy baby lol. So a break would be nice. Robert has missed SO MUCH of the boys lives. And I'm angry, I want him right beside me through it all. I NEED him there! And he just can't be...and I know that, but it doesn't mean I like it AT ALL!!! lol
I have a coffee cup that I bought when I was a 'new wife', it says, 'Navy Wife is the Hardest Job in the Navy'. I don't agree with that anymore. The SAILOR'S is. They leave their families for months at a time. They come home to completely different kids. Sometimes their kids don't even recognize them. The thought of Owen not recognizing his Daddy scares me, and saddens me. He's young. We do the daddy doll, we do the record-able-books, we do the build a bears. But it still sucks!!!
But when I have days/weeks like this, I look at my coffee cup and think, y'know, he may have the hardest, but mine has GOT to be the second hardest. ;)