In 4 years of sea duty, I've never had one. Well, of course
I've had them on my blog. But never in my emails to Robert. He has always been
my 'go to' person. Now.. I just have nothing to say. Besides the ‘I miss you, I
love you, we’re doing good here’
Or I have LOTS to say, but it's things that I'm not supposed
to say because it would 'lower moral' and deemed inappropriate. Sometimes I
just need confide in him. Like right now, I would love to tell him how I work
night shifts, day shifts, I work thru my lunch, dinner and ANY breaks I get, and how the drama has begun. Because that's Navy Wife life when your Sailor is gone. Drama. Drama. and MORE DRAMA! But instead, I send 1 lines that usually say encouraging words and that we miss
and love him.
The truth is, I'm burned out.
I said it. I finally said it. I admit it finally!!!
See, all of this I NEED to tell my husband. I NEED to talk to
him as if he were here. But I can't. I can't tell him anything that would make
him worry. "Mission First Right?"
See, ^^ no writing plateau here! I just don't know what to
say to him. I can't lie to him. I never could. So I say what I can say and end
it. Sometimes I think I'm angry as well. Like I said, I'm basically
working 24/7, NO BREAKS!!!! Last deployment was a CAKE WALK compared to this one! I
wish I could go back in time and tell myself to SHUT UP. And I'm sure as time
goes on, I will continue to say this lol. This year I have TWO KIDS, 16 months apart at that..and Owen
is... well... lol if you are on my FB you know. He is my needy baby lol. So a break would be nice. Robert has missed SO MUCH of the boys lives. And I'm angry, I want him right beside me through it all. I NEED him there! And he just can't be...and I know that, but it doesn't mean I like it AT ALL!!! lol
I have a coffee cup that I bought when I was a 'new wife', it
says, 'Navy Wife is the Hardest Job in the Navy'. I don't agree with that
anymore. The SAILOR'S is. They leave their families for months at a time. They
come home to completely different kids. Sometimes their kids don't even
recognize them. The thought of Owen not recognizing his Daddy scares me, and
saddens me. He's young. We do the daddy doll, we do the record-able-books, we do the build a bears. But it still sucks!!!
But when I have days/weeks like this, I look at my coffee cup and
think, y'know, he may have the hardest, but mine has GOT to be the second
hardest. ;)
As a USMC wife, GET A JOURNAL! It helps me sooo much! I write down everything I want to tell him, all the little moments about the kids that he missed, all of the vents you want to do...that way when you do get to talk to him, you've already vented about the bad stuff and you're better prepared to be supportive and encouraging. Then when he gets home, you can decide if you want to give it to him or not.
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